Emotional Blocks

It’s been a while…

I’ve got a new found inspiration for this page though, and I’m hoping to keep it going this time. The inspiration? This page is just as much, if not more, for me than it is for any particular person reading. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for any future readers of my posts but these posts are to keep me on track with the message I am trying to spread just as much as the actual spreading of the message itself. That being said, let’s get in to the emotional block I ran in to throwing out most of my stuff.

The jeans, The damn jeans. I had no problem throwing out photos, electronics, shoes, or any other items that might be seen as more important than a pair of jeans, but the jeans hurt more than all of the above combined. It wasn’t so much about the jeans themselves but more about what the jeans represented. They represented who I WANTED to be.

Growing up in California was really awesome and I wouldn’t changed it for anything, but my favorite time of the year was going to visit my family in the country of southern Illinois. I had a lot of family in a small area, which is something I had never been able to be a part of. A lot of my favorite relatives live out there and it was a blast getting to be around all of them at the same time, but what does this have to do with jeans? Well growing up I had a few role models and ,for some reason, I’d always wanted to be like other people than to just forge my own trail in this life so I would always want what they had and wanted to act as they acted.

This brings me back to the jeans. I have a cousin out there, and for the sake of being so new to this website and not having a following, I’ll leave specifics such as names out for the time being but basically he was a badass. I always wanted to be like him so much that I’d buy jeans, shoes, and shirts that I thought looked similar to things he’d wear. It sounds stupid now because nobody wants a clone, and nobody wants to be a clone. Over the years of growing up, I came in to my own and realized the person I was and which direction I wanted my life to go in but I just couldn’t let go of one pair of jeans I had bought during this phase. A pair of bootcut Levi’s I’d wear with black and white converse.

I never wore them or even thought about them for that matter, so why was it so hard to toss them when the time came? Because I wasn’t just throwing out the jeans, I was throwing out the memory of my younger self looking up to a relative. I’ve obviously found myself over the years and am happy with the person I’ve become, but throwing out the jeans officially closed the chapter I’d held on to for so long, which was tough. I honestly had a moment of distress right before I put them in to the donation bag, real distress. The act of throwing them out essentially killed the notion of me ever being the kind of person I wanted to badly to be when I was younger and while it may not seem like it, that’s a big door to close.

So what’s happened since I threw away the old Levi’s? If anything it’s only strengthened the person I actually am. When there aren’t things around that make you question who you are or bring up the thought of you being somebody you aren’t, you feel more like yourself. I know who I am. I’m a pretty sensitive guy who likes acoustic guitars in songs, I love my cat, I don’t like loud noises, I enjoy the occasional beer or two, I like sports, running, etc. etc. It’s not about what I like, it’s about knowing what I like and giving my time and energy to these things rather than questioning who I am because I see some jeans that represented a completely different person I could have forced myself to become.

We all have things that represent who you want to be for all the wrong reasons and it might hurt to let go of that person, but I can guarantee that it’s the right move. You can’t change what you like or who you are just because you think it might be cool to be somebody else. So get rid of whatever those things are to you and know that it will only strengthen who you actually are, which in return brings about a certain peacefulness and sense of contentment.

“Though you’re where you want to be, you’re not where you belong.” -Graham Nash

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